A for Anxiety
I have anxiety. I’m not sure if it is the normal amount a person should have, but I’ve had it all my life…badly. And after having Alfie, my anxiety hit an all time high. Sometimes I would be so incredibly anxious about the dumbest things and wouldn’t even be able to leave the house. For instance, I just had a conversation with my mother about future girlfriends for the boys and already am feeling a welling sense of dread coupled with a tightening of my brain that indicates the onslaught of a minor panic attack. (For the record, if any bitches and hoes try to hurt my boys – I will make their lives a living hell). Like, this isn’t even a relevant thought at the moment but why is it taking up so much of my headspace? How can I deal with this healthily so I am a happier and therefore better mother for my kids?
I’ve tried many things to deal with anxiety; succumbing to eating myself into a McDonald’s stupor, anti-anxiety medication (which also put me into a stupor), seeking spiritual advice from a psychic and long distance chakra healings (which I recommend for the short term), and just caving in and crying and crying and crying, amongst other things. The one thing I haven’t done is to have sat down continuously with a professional to talk it out. This is probably due to a lifetime of being told by Chinese grandparents that anything tingeing on mental illness is a weakness and not allowed in our family.
That being said, I can’t help remember there was one beautiful year in my adult life where I had a minimal amount of anxiety and I was beyond happy. It was the year I moved into my own work studio in Logan Square in Chicago, and I was working on my clothing line as an experimental art project rather than focusing on numbers and bottom lines. I didn’t worry whether I had a boyfriend or not, what people thought about me, or how well the business was doing. It’s not that I didn’t care, I just didn’t worry about it. It was the year that I manifested my own anxiety free happiness by just believing in myself. I remember that year and all the people surrounding me during that time with so much fondness (you know who you are) and honestly, that is the type of self-love-love-everyone feeling I want to teach and impart to my children.
So fast forward back to life in a new country with two kids. What is my plan so I can manifest my own happiness now? To explain, let me list some example thoughts that have been chronically inundating my headspace.
1. I have no family in Singapore, I’m alone and I miss everyone. Why can’t we live closer to our loved ones?
2. I’m always worrying about my children’s well being or how Alfie is faring in preschool. Is he learning bad things from other kids? Is he getting bullied? Is he being a bully?
3. My husband travels so much, I feel like he is never home, and it is really hard for me.
4. What am I doing with my life as a trailing expat wife?
These are all examples of the most prominent negative thoughts (which are equivalent to a highly magnified picking and choosing of reality) that I battle on a daily basis. Recently, I’ve been actively controlling these thoughts. These thoughts are mine after all and so is my brain, right? I should be able to choose what I think, to some extent at least, I tell myself. So why not flip these negative thoughts into positive ones.
The first week, I was having mini internal conversations with myself (sounds crazy but it worked!). For instance in correlation to the above:
1. How lucky are we to live in Singapore?! There is minimal pollution and it is one of the safest countries for the kids! Not to mention super multi-cultural and has great education. We also have easy access to paradise holiday locations pretty much whenever we want!
2. Alfie is doing just fine, he is a happy boy and loves school. Little run-ins are ok and he is learning and growing from them. His teachers are lovely, love him and have taught him to have great friendships with his classmates!
3. It’s kind of nice when Daddy Snuggs isn’t around. I am tired, but am a good tired. I have loads of quality time with each of the boys and can catch up on some Netflix!
4. I don’t have to work! I am a trailing expat wife and my husband supports whatever decision I want to do with my life, including pursuing different projects. I can literally do whatever I want and have the leisure of time to decide on my personal future plans! I mean, I have to eye roll at myself a little here... come on, Christina...
I’m really cheerleading hard for myself to pump up the positivity (note the abundance of exclamation points). But if I were to hear someone else say these positive arguments to me, would I necessarily listen? I don’t think so. I’m stubborn like that. In the end, I need to believe and listen to myself. So one week of telling myself these things over and over and lo and behold. These thoughts just kind of started happening of their own accord. How awesome is that? Time will only tell how big of a change this will make in my life but I can already feel the happiness seeping through me and I believe I am imparting it to the boys. I mean there is that age old saying “happy wife happy life” – it’s got to be relevant for mothers and kids right? I think so.
